Wednesday, September 20, 2006

UFC 63

Baby Cock Bears!

Alas, although it hasn't been too long since we last conversated, another fight night is upon us! At the moment, I'm sitting in my mother's den, drinking her expensive beer, and watching Macgyver (when the hell did I turn into my uncle?). Before I begin, there is a story I must share with my babies. On the train ride down here to the deep south, I awoke with a bladder fit to burst at two in the morning. Walking through a dimly lit aisle of sleeping trainsters, I weaseled my way into the cramped bathroom after a fashion. The toilet was already filled with someone's (or multiple someone's) piddy potty. I did my business anyway and did the polite thing by flushing. What I got for my kindness was a possessed toilet that spewed the urine back me like a gentle pressure washer! I haven't been tickled like that since Mark tied me down and made me sing "My Favorite Things" while farting on my chest! I didn't even have to pay anything extra! Three cheers for Amtrak.

Babies, this weekend has a fight card that, you guessed it, is a doozy! I'm so damn excited my hemorrhoids are revolting. I'm not kidding, their freakin' starting a war down there! On the main event we have the most damn dominating welterweight, uh, ever, Matt Hughes vs. the last man to beat him, BJ Penn. Oh goddamn, you wouldn't know it unless I told you, but there's a lot on the line for this one! Captain Christ, this one is too damn tough to call, but I got my pick in the bag. The first time they fought, Matt Hughes took BJ lightly, him coming up a weight class to fight the champion, and he got owned. This time though, Matt has got too much to prove and is surely training till his toe nails sweat. BJ has already said that he's not going to train his arse off for this, but is this a tactic so Matt will take him lightly again or does BJ really do his best when he is calm and composed? Either way, Hughes is going to have a tough time with him, as BJ is the kind of fighter that Hughes dreads. Slick, strongly versed in submissions, and flexible. This guys so damn flexible he could blow himself on the jungle gym while making boondoggle for his camp councilor. Good luck, Matt. While I like seeing belts change hands, I hope you show him what-for.

Oh fucking cockberry, the main event is tickling my gooch, but fight of the night for me is none other than Mike "Pretty damn quick" Swick vs. David Loiseau. I've been hoping for this match-up for some time now and now that it's here, I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. Really, people, I'll start crying in the grocery store over the price of milk! This fight has the proof in the pudding that some TUFfers are not to be trifled with and they're here to fuckin' stay. I have to go with my man, Swick. Why? I dunno, cause I like him. This fight is so well matched up that it could, and probably will, boil down to a good, clean punch to the noggin. I just hope that he can be as relaxed as he has been in his last fights to do the deed. Plus, with this win, he's surely (and finally) going to get a title shot.

I'm also excited as dog piss about this next fight, featuring Rashad Evans and Jason Lambert. For one thing, this might be Rashad's first true test. While he's never finished the job on any of the fights we've seen, if he wins this one (going the distance or not), he's due for title contention. For another, Jason Lambert is a guy that we've never seen fight, but has won a couple on the undercards impressively. This is a guy that looks like he'll break your breakfast plate on his head then watch you clean it up off the floor and vacuum eggs off his face. This looks like one tough SOB that's on his way to the top with a quickness.

The rest of the card looks good, with the return of the first and only lightweight champion, Jens Pulver, against someone he'll more than likely beat so they can build some hype for him. Go, Pulver! Also, they put Melvin Guillard against a UFC newbie. My question is, why? He knocked the alphabet out of the 4th grade teacher/UFC fighter, why not give him someone who's been around a little longer? I know the lightweight division is up and coming, but... aw forget it. Nobody reads this shit anyway.

Hold on people, did I say fight of the night was Swick and Loiseau? I meant Danny Addabi and Gorge Gurgel! These two gladiator of the mind, body and soul will wage an epic battle to see who the greatest champion of the world is! Actually, these guys are fighting to see who will never be in the UFC again. I hope they both know that and bring it. I'm going for... um, that guy who sucks, uh, less than the other guy. Um. Does only one have to leave? Fuck that, whoever wins this will fight somebody for real and lose their bowels in the octagon.

Babies! I hope you enjoy this fight night! I know I will, as I'll be watching it with Mark and guess what, people? We're going to be drinking! That's right, we're getting a six pack of wine coolers and playing the drinking game version of Chutes and Ladders! I don't know if you know this, but Mark is someone who can't handle his wine coolers. Two of those and some Xbox karaoke and hilarity ensues! You guys rock out with your cocks out and grab the bull by the pee hole!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

UFC 61

Baby cock bears! Since last we talked, two free nights filled with fights have come and gone and believe me, they were doozies! The finale to the third season came to an end (well mostly, Tito and Ken still have to fight this weekend in the infamous "Battle of the Douchebag Diaries").

In what was hands down the best fight of the year, Kendall Grove outworked Ed Herman in a back-and-forth battle that ended in a close decision in favor of Kendall. Gotta hand it to Kendall, even though Team Dagger's existence lost points in my book, he really came through and won the hearts of children worldwide. God Bless. Plus, it just plain fuzzy feeling when Ed "Moody McGraw" Herman didn't pull off the win like he said he'd do allllllll cockin' season long. He did deserve the contract that Zuffa awarded him along with Grove's, though. It'll be nice to see him fight without all the, ya know, talking.

Mike Bisping unsurprisingly won against Josh "Whaa! I love my kids! Whaa!" Haynes. Can't wait to see Bisping rock titties again. The Brit's win should also hopefully make the UFC more worldly and help expand it in Europe.

A couple of days later, Ultimate Fight Night came with a night filled with surprises and upsets. Can I just say that in the last blog I predicted every single fight right except for all the important ones that they showed on TV! Man, I really have a future in this business and should keep it up!

The Mark Hominick and Jorge Gurgel fight was boring and is not worth another word.

Rashad Evans beat Stephan Bonnar in the first upset of the night. Stephan looked frustrated as Rashad had big takedown after big takedown. Rashad controlled the majority of the fight and it went to decision (surprise, fucking surprise). Rashad, I like ya, but learn some fucking submissions. Cock and bear balls, sometimes your fights can be as boring as humping a palm tree in the winter.

In the most impressive fight of the night, Anderson Silva made short work of Chris "The Cripple" Leben. In 49 seconds, his fists and knees had Chris dreaming of sugar cakes and periwinkle dildos. Yeeaaah, that was one I should have seen coming but have a hard time betting against people I know. I can't freaking wait to see Silva again (along with some ladies I know) and know he'll have a title shot shortly. He's one marked to tear up the division and bring it to a whole new level. I get a midwood just thinking of him matched up against David Loiseau, Mike Swick, or Rich Franklin.

In the biggest upset of the night for me, Luke Cummo couldn't pull of the win against Jonathon "I'm a big fucking douchebag and, hey, you know what would be really cool? I'm gonna shave flames into the side of my head. Not only will I shave the shapes of flames, I'm gonna color them so that you really get the message that this is fire you're dealing with! That'll do two things. First, it's really gonna make me look like a douchebag. Second... well, there really is no second but the fact that the first reason solidifies my place among the once and future kings of the douchebags for life is practically two reasons" Goulet. Fuck.

This upcoming pay-per-view looks to be, you guessed it, a doozy. The King of Mashed Potato Mountain, whether it be Tim Sylvia or Andrei Arlovski, will be crowned once and for all. Have to go with Arlovski, as he is one of the hardest working men in the sport today and wouldn't take his last defeat lightly. Also, he came so close to winning the last fight but couldn't capitalize on his knockdown, allowing Sylvia to get up and knock him out. Added with the fact that Sylvia is cocky now (as is true Miletich fashion), I'd be surprised if Arlovski didn't make him cry like his baseball went down in the gutter. Another thing I know for sure is that this isn't going past the first round, if not the first two minutes.

Ah, shit. Fuck, I guess I have to write about this. Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock are battling to see who the bigger douchebag is. Let me back up. Before the start of the reality show, I was pro-Shamrock. I hated Tito. I thought (and think) that he was a douche and wanted Ken to mop the floor with him. But, after seeing the way Ken coached (or rather didn't coach) his team, I lost any respect that I had for him. Playing golf and going bowling is not training. Watching the damn fight videos was the final straw. Tito, at least, had the balls to put his heart into it and teach his team as much as he could. What resulted from that were lopsided victories that made for a lackluster season. *Sigh*, I never thought, I'd say this. But, go, Tito. I still don't like you, though. Douche.

In an odd matchup, they're putting Dan Christison against Frank Mir. I guess they're giving someone relatively untested against Mir, who suffered a big loss after his comeback to the UFC after his motorcycle accident. Gotta go with Mir still, as his submissions are killer and Christison has long limbs that should be easy to take advantage of.

Josh "The Communist" Burkman and Josh "The Dental Assistant" Neer matchup should be a good fight. Going with Burkman as he's kickass and coming off a loss and he seems like someone who learns alot from those.

In a lightweight fight, Yves Edwards will take on Joe Stevenson. Both are coming off losses and looking to redeem themselves. Gotta go with Edwards as he's got great standup and is pretty good on the ground. He's also been in the UFC for a long time. Also, I'm thinking that Stevenson will lose some of his strength going down a weightclass. Should be an interesting fight.

The rest of the fight are filled with newcomers (two of them being heavyweight, thank the gods) and I'm not gonna try to bullshit on these. I'm super excited that one of them has the last name Kongo, though. No fighting circuit is complete with that. Hope you guys enjoy fight night (I'll see most of you over here anyway) and keep your cocks out just in case!